So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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