you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
