the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
