And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
