"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
