i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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