WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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