DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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