After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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