He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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