The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
