You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
