how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
