My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment