the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.