Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
