Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize