So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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