take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Bring me that man meat
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
