The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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