Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
