woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
