she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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