I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
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