I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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