what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
