my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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