Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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