I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
