p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
