i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
