Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
