i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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