the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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