Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Man, jail baloney is awful.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
