I just pynch a tree in the face
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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