I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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