I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
