Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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