don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
