3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
