Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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