My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
