I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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