just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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