thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
if you like me you must not know who I am
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
