If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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