and you said cock pushups were impossible
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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