Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
