Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
