Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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