and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I currently don't understand fingers.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
