I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
