I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
