i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize