Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize