That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
