Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Say something about gay babies.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
