So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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