I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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