thus making me awesome and them whores
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
